Expat trap seeking sex & youth in Asia

Jan 2

At 64, having retired abroad over 3 years ago, I've watched dozens of guys chase pleasure with young girlfriends here in Asia, only to end up lonely and regretful. I’ve had many in-depth conversations with guys who have watched YouTube videos, convinced themselves to sell everything, move to Asia, and now regret doing so. Today, I'll share research from Harvard professor Arthur Brooks that will give you the tools to find, or regain true happiness whether you are in Asia or in your own home town.

I’ve been living in the Philippines for the past three years and have built a good life here, but I've also seen the pitfalls firsthand. If you're an older guy considering moving to Asia primarily for a young sex partner, DON’T, it's a trap!

Pleasure feels amazing short-term, but it fades fast, leaving emptiness. This is why beer commercials never show a lone guy passed out drunk in a messy apartment; however, they do show friends sharing laughs and memories while drinking the beer because that's real enjoyment. Harvard's Arthur Brooks nails this in his research on happiness vs. pleasure. I've seen too many expats learn this the hard way. Let’s explore the science, and how to build genuine fulfillment instead.

The Problem is clear:

Many older Western men move to places like Thailand, Philippines, or Vietnam chasing pleasure through relationships with much younger women (often 20-30 years younger) focused on physical intimacy and ego boost. This dream is sold as paradise: low cost, beautiful partners, and endless fun. The reality is much different.

I noticed this shortly after arriving in the Philippines. It is common to hear guys in their 50s-70s with 20-30-something girlfriends, bragging about the good life. But, digging a little deeper, many admitted that their relationships were transactional and tiring. She desired financial security, he desired youth and sex. Over time, language barriers, cultural gaps, and different life stages created friction and the need to start looking for another “dream girl”. Rinse and repeat.

Arthur Brooks calls pleasure one of the “false idols” It activates dopamine but leads to addiction and craving more. It never leads to satisfaction. Indeed, I've talked to dozens who started excited but ended lonely, depressed, or broke when it fell apart.

The Future

If ignored, this chase devastates futures. Studies show large age-gap marriages (especially older man/younger woman) have higher divorce rates. Up to 39% higher risk when gap is 10+ years, as initial satisfaction drops rapidly within the first 6-10 years.

By the time we hit our 70’s, the inevitable health issues appear. When this happens, our partner may leave for someone younger or return even home. If this happens overseas, leaving you alone abroad, far from family and friends. Now the lack of a social support system is apparent as we have no place to turn.

Loneliness spikes among expats in Southeast Asia are linked to higher rates of depression. Regrets pile up. Wasted savings, missed grandkids, and isolation in a foreign land are only a few. Brooks warns pursuing pleasure alone ruins your life, it's addictive, like drugs. For those tempted by the ease of quick satisfaction means a future of regret, poor health, financial strain, and widening isolation as peers build meaningful lives.

Solving the Problem

From Brooks' decades of research: Happiness has three 'macronutrients; enjoyment, satisfaction, meaning. Pleasure is just an ingredient; alone, it's hollow. The key is to Elevate pleasure to enjoyment.

Brooks' formula: Pleasure + People + Memory = Enjoyment.

That's why beer ads show social fun. Shared experiences create lasting joy via higher brain function.

1. Build Enjoyment Socially: Don't pursue solo or transactional pleasure. Share activities such as travel, and meals with peers, friends, or age-appropriate partners to create lasting memories that create bonds.

2. Seek Satisfaction: Earn rewards through struggle – hobbies, volunteering, fitness. Delayed gratification brings deeper joy.

3. Cultivate Meaning: Focus on purpose, on family (even remote), friendships, and serving others.

Ask 'Why am I here? Tie your answer to your faith/philosophy. In Asia, you can join expat clubs, learn the language, dive deep into the culture, or even mentor locals. These things give us meaning and makes life fulfilling, not fleeting.

Proof

Take a look at the citations below. They should be all you need to determine your aim.

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