Filipina’s Family Has More To Lose Than You
Introduction:
If you're an American guy falling for a Filipina, or a Filipina dreaming of marrying abroad, you've probably heard the stereotypes about Filipinas and the westerners looking for romance in Asia. The criticism comes from not only westerners, but even from other Filipinas and their families.
Many of these illustrate the “Crab Culture” where the crabs pull any other crab back in the bucket before it can escape.
Moving past the insulting clichés most of us are aware of, we’re going to look at the flip side. What do Filipino parents truly think and fear when their daughter says “I'm marrying an American”? Having lived here for three years, listened to many stories about Filipino families not accepting foreigners, and having experienced this first hand, I can speak to how difficult it is to garner blessings from a family. I'll reveal the real fears, the ugly stereotypes from both sides, and exactly how to turn fear into family approval.
Picture this:
Your Filipina girlfriend takes you home to meet her parents. You’re excited, think the meeting went well and leave with a smile and feeling great. A few hours later you hear from your girlfriend and she tells you all the crazy accusations her parents and siblings have been making about you and your motives. I experienced this first hand and finally, after more than a year, things are beginning to ease up and feel more genuine,
Why does this happen:
Deep-rooted fears of a daughter being abandoned in a foreign country, being physically abused, and cultural loss are only a few of the reasons. Let’s explore these fears and see if we can figure out how to win over her Filipino family. I remember first noticing this problem decades ago when I was active duty navy. Hearing it from both buddies dealing with a Filipina’s family and from Filipino sailors not wanting their sisters to marry an American. The same type of stories prevail today with the added objection to a more recent phenomenon of big age gaps.
Need To Address This:
If this problem isn't addressed now, the long-term impact can be huge. Not just for you, but for generations. Imagine starting a marriage with family tension, limited visits home, guilt over money requests, or grandparents barely knowing their grandkids. If you're dating a Filipina now, ignoring her parent’s fears could mean big family trouble when grandkids come into the picture. Do you really want your kids disconnected from their Filipino roots, or becoming resentful when they reach an age of understanding?
Solve the Problem
We have to recognize that these fears (mostly) come from love and real cultural differences, not malice. We need to address the fears head-on with respect, patience, and proof of commitment. Additionally we need to name the fears so we can address them.
They are, but not limited to:
Fear of daughter isolated in America (homesickness, no Filipino community)
Cultural loss (kids 'too American'),
Abuse/exploitation (big age gaps seen as predatory),
Easy U.S. divorce leaving daughter stranded on other side of the world.
Fear of losing financial support from daughter. Philippine family law requires family support parents and siblings. These potential money demands clash with Western independence.
Many Filipino parents fear the American is a “desperate older guy” wanting a 'submissive exotic wife. This is a valid fear in my experience. Philippines tend to attract more “traitor Park Expats” then other countries. If you are offended by that charachterization, the solution is not to act like it describes you.
How do we allay parent’s fears:
If you don’t live here, visit the Philippines multiple times. Show effort, be respectful.
Learn basic Tagalog, eat family meals, help with chores, prove respect for culture.
Set clear financial boundaries early (support wife, reasonable help for family).
Involve parents in planning – video calls, send gifts.
Be transparent: show stable job/life.
Educating families about the realities and building a relationship will flip fear to excitement.
The proof is out there. Search the forums, talk to other expats, learn from their experiences. Just be mindful that if the expat you see everyday with a bucket of beers complaining about Filipina's, he’s the proof that at least some of the fears held by Filipino families are true.
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